An unofficial 7 Cups guide

Suicide

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Part I

General information for all listeners.

This guide is an unofficial training guide for listeners about chats involving non-emergency suicidal thoughts. It is not a self-help guide for members. If you are not a listener you can still read this guide, but becoming a listener first is recommended as a starting point.

The guide is in many short sections. Most sections have a quiz at the end. You must correctly complete the quiz before you can move to the next section. There is no limit to the number of times you can retry each quiz.

To navigate back to a section you have completed, use the little square links along the top of each page.

Several of the sections in this guide are shared with the guide to chats about Harm, because the subjects of the two guides are closely related.

Trigger warning: Part I is intended for all listeners and it has no detailed descriptions of suicide. Part II contains more detailed examples and information that some listeners might find upsetting or triggering. It is OK to stop reading at the end of Part I and skip to the conclusion.

Contents

Author: @RarelyCharlie.

Parts of this guide describe good practice in the opinion of the author, but are not necessarily consistent with other guidance at 7 Cups.

The comic strip characters are Mimi and Eunice
adapted from originals ♡ CC-BY-SA Nina Paley.

What this guide is for

This guide provides information and guidance for listeners who chat with members about thoughts of suicide, when there is no present real-life emergency. Everywhere this guide uses the word “members”, the information also applies to guests.

Thoughts of suicide may include thoughts about the past and the present, and plans for, or risk of, suicide in the future. They include thoughts and plans about the suicide of members themselves and of others.

The goals of this guide are to help ensure that, in this context:

• Listeners understand the purpose and limitations of 7 Cups.
• Listeners understand how to care for themselves.
• Listeners do not mistakenly increase the risk of suicide.
• Listeners have an understanding of the reasons some members may talk about suicide.
• Listeners can continue to apply the principles of active listening effectively when members talk about suicide.

There are links to further information and to public resources that you can share with members.

The next section is a reminder about the purpose of 7 Cups.

The purpose of 7 Cups

7 Cups exists because there is an unmet need in the world for emotional support:

Our Goal: We are living in a world with an immense love deficit, which means that none of us is receiving the love we need to reach our true potential, to truly thrive. Our goal is to build a support system, a web, that can hold every member of our world. We believe that we can fill that love-gap for every person in the world, either because they are an active member of our community or because they are touched personally by someone who has been empowered by 7 Cups of Tea.

from Our Mission

7 Cups has values that describe how we relate to people. They have since been simplified, but our original values included:

We do not judge or look down on people. We recognize that people make sense in the larger context or story of their lives. Sometimes it can seem like people are making choices that do not make sense, but this is likely because we do not have all of the details. We understand that people are complicated and that life is not simple or easy.

from Our Key Values (archived)

Limitations

However, 7 Cups imposes general limitations on the emotional support its listeners provide. If a member clearly says they are actively harming themselves or someone else, then it is generally agreed at 7 Cups that you cannot continue the chat.

It is important to be aware that the word “actively” means “taking action”. A thought or fantasy is not an action. Planning to take action is not the same as taking action.

For example, someone might have thoughts about or plans for making an apple pie. They might clearly imagine the recipe or know exactly where to find it. But these things are not the same as buying the apples, peeling them and chopping them. There’s an essential difference between thoughts and actions.

In the same way, someone might have thoughts about or plans for ending their life, but there’s an essential difference between thoughts or plans about ending one’s life and actions intended to end one’s life.

Distinguishing thoughts from actions

Some people find the distinction between thoughts and actions obvious, and some people find it difficult. There’s a recognized cognitive impairment called thought-action fusion that makes it difficult for people to distinguish between thoughts and actions easily. There is more information about thought-action fusion in the guide to chats about Harm.

For example, if someone mentions thoughts of suicide, and you suffer from thought-action fusion, you might experience an extreme emotional response as if they are taking action. You might even feel sure that they must be taking action, when in fact all they have done is mention some thoughts they are having.

Outside help

Listeners can sometimes provide members with factual information about sources of help outside 7 Cups, but there are reasons to be careful about doing this. For example, providing information can undermine the real purpose of 7 Cups. There will be more about this, too, later in the guide.

Also later in the guide, there are some reminders about exactly how listeners at 7 Cups go about providing emotional support.

After the quiz, the next section is a reminder about caring for yourself and boundaries.

• Mark each statement true or false:
• Everyone’s emotional needs should be met by professionals.# Listeners use active listening to help meet members’ emotional needs.
• 7 Cups imposes limitations on the support that listeners can provide.#7 Cups does not allow listeners to support anyone who is actively causing harm.
• Listeners must understand that some people just make no sense.# At 7 Cups we believe everyone makes sense in the context of their lives.
• Listeners must be prepared to do anything for members.# Listeners must care for themselves and set personal boundaries.
• Some people tend to confuse thoughts with actions.#This is known as thought-action fusion, and it is a common thinking problem.
• 7 Cups’ goal is to build a support system for everyone.#Our mission is exactly this.
• One of 7 Cups’ goals is suicide prevention.# 7 Cups is not a suicide prevention organization.

Self care

7 Cups very strongly encourages you to care for yourself as a priority at all times.

Boundaries

You should think about your personal boundaries, and make decisions in advance about the kinds of chats you are personally willing to take. In particular, decide whether you are personally willing to chat with people who have thoughts of suicide.

You have to make this decision in advance, as far as possible, because a chat that starts out being about one subject can very quickly move on to suicide (and also very quickly move on from suicide to something else). You will need to be able to take action to protect yourself immediately there’s a change of subject that goes beyond your personal boundaries.

It is OK to be willing to chat about thoughts of suicide just like any other thoughts. There is nothing particularly dangerous or special about thoughts of suicide, unless this topic has special significance for you personally and triggers feelings in you that you prefer to avoid.

When your boundaries are crossed

When a chat goes beyond your personal boundaries, consider handing it over to another listener who has different boundaries. You need the member’s consent and also the other listener’s consent for this.

1. Tell the member that you are unable to chat about suicide.
2. Tell the member that another listener might be available.
3. If the member agrees, go to the Listener Support Room (the question mark button ? at the top right of the chat).
4. In five words or less, tell the room why you need to hand over the chat. Do not share more details of the chat.
5. When you have identified another listener, provide the member with a link to the other listener’s profile. In a chat this looks like 7cups.com/@NameOfListener
6. Tell the member to press the Leave Message or Chat Now button in the listener’s profile.
7. End the chat.
8. Do not discuss the member with the other listener at any time.

If the member does not agree at step 3, tell the member that you have to end the chat, and end the chat.

If you cannot find any other listener at step 5, ask the member to message a suitable listener from the Browse Listeners page. Provide the link: 7cups.com/BrowseListeners Explain that the page has a More Filters button at the top, which is useful for finding appropriate listeners.

There is normally no need to block the member. They might want to chat with you about some other topic in the future.

At any stage in all this, allow the member to continue the chat but avoid mentioning suicide if that’s what they prefer. Some members value the relationship they have established with you more than the precise subject of the conversation.

Boundaries in long-term relationships

When you chat to a member many times, perhaps becoming their sponsor, protecting your personal boundaries and 7 Cups’ boundaries can become much more difficult.

For example, if a member has come to trust you and rely on you for emotional support, and something happens in their lives that causes them to become suicidal, can they still rely on you for emotional support at a time when they need it more than ever before?

Withdrawing your emotional support in a time of crisis for a member who has come to rely on you could be a factor that makes their crisis much worse.

As before, you should think about your personal boundaries in these situations and make decisions in advance, as far as possible. You could express your decisions in the form of a written statement, the way these fictitious listeners have done:

Example 1:

I am listener @Example1. I do not feel able to chat to members about suicide because I find the idea so upsetting. If a member mentions suicide, I find another listener to take the chat. I do this even if the member is my long-term sponsee.

Example 2:

I am listener @Example2. I do not normally feel able to chat to members about suicide because I find the idea so upsetting. If a member mentions suicide, I find another listener to take the chat. But if the member is someone I have come to know very well, I am willing to chat about suicide even though I will be upset. Being there for them is more important to me than my own distress. If they are taking action that will cause harm, however, I do end the chat because 7 Cups cannot provide support in that situation.

Example 3:

I am listener @Example3. I am willing to chat about suicide as long as the member is not currently taking action that could cause them harm. If the member is my long-term sponsee, it makes no difference.

Example 4:

I am listener @Example4. I am willing to chat about suicide. In most cases this is only as long as the member is not currently taking action that could cause them harm. But if the member is someone I have come to know very well, I am willing to continue supporting them even if they say they are taking action to attempt suicide. This is because I am not willing to abandon someone who relies on me just because they are in a crisis. I know this goes against 7 Cups’ rules, but a person’s life is more important to me than any website’s rules. I am willing to be banned from 7 Cups rather than risk someone’s life.

These are just examples. Your personal boundaries are your own to decide.

During a difficult chat

During a chat about a subject you find difficult, it is useful to have thought in advance about the kind of things you want to say. You could keep a list of planned statements in your Notes at 7 Cups, so that you can copy and paste them into a chat as appropriate. This is much easier than thinking about what to say at a difficult time.

For example, one of your planned statements might be something like:

I’m sorry, 7 Cups doesn’t allow me to chat while you are taking action that is causing you harm. It’s very important that you get medical help now. Message me when the crisis is over, and we can chat then.

As you work through this guide, you could think about the things you might need to say in difficult situations and make a note of how you plan to respond.

After a difficult chat

After a chat that oversteps your personal boundaries, consider chatting to a peer supporter or a mentor about your own feelings. This is particularly important if your feelings persist or if you find yourself thinking about the chat long afterwards.

If a chat affects you emotionally, and this in turn affects your real-life relationships or your ability to live your life normally, do not hesitate to switch to your member account and chat with an experienced listener about what happened and how it affected you.

If you have a therapist or someone else in the real world you rely on for emotional support, be open with them about the effect volunteering as a listener at 7 Cups has on you, but do not share any details of any chat.

After the quiz, the next section is a reminder about active listening.

• Mark each statement true or false:
• Every listener at 7 Cups must be willing to chat about thoughts of suicide.# Listeners can choose not to chat about subjects they find upsetting or triggering.
• A listener can decide in advance to allow members to chat about their thoughts of suicide.#Listeners can chat about any subject except active harm being done in the present.
• You can discuss members’ thoughts of suicide with other listeners.# Listeners must not share the details of any chat.
• Preventing suicide must be your priority. Caring for yourself comes second.# Listeners’ priority must be to care for themselves.
• A listener who needs to hand a chat over to another listener should try to get the member’s consent first.#The member might prefer to continue with the original listener, if that is possible.
• Thoughts about suicide must never be discussed in chats at 7 Cups.# Thoughts of suicide are not harmful, and they can be discussed at 7 Cups.

Brief active listening refresher

This guide assumes you are still familiar with the initial listener training. Here’s a selection of exact quotes as reminders:

• “Keep in mind that active listening is not counseling or advice giving.”
• “You shouldn’t try to solve their problems.”
• “Repeat back to the person the facts that they have just shared.”
• “Don’t add questions, commentary, or suggestions.”
• “Repeat back expressed emotions.”
• “Avoid making assumptions.”
• “It is important to not break confidentiality.”
• “Don’t hesitate to refer the person if they have needs that extend beyond listening.”
• “The primary reason we allow anonymity is because it allows people to seek help without fear of being judged.”
• “Being triggered is a normal part of life.”
• “Report inappropriate behavior.”

If any of these seem unfamiliar, take a few minutes right now to review the Active Listening guide before returning to this guide.

Emotional support

The way listeners at 7 Cups provide emotional support is through active listening, allowing people to feel heard. Emotional support has a particular focus on feelings. The goal is to allow people to express their feelings and to know that their feelings have been heard.

Realistically, life is not simple or easy. People have both positive and negative emotions in response to the events of their lives. Listeners should allow both the positive emotions and the negative emotions to be heard equally.

In response to situations involving thoughts of suicide, people naturally have negative emotions. Listeners at 7 Cups allow members’ negative emotions to be heard, and are accepting of their own negative emotions.

Do not try to suppress members’ negative emotions or supply positive emotions. If you do that, you might neutralize a member’s natural negative emotions in response to thoughts of suicide, allowing the thoughts to escalate.

For example, if a member tells you they are worried about attempting suicide, repeat back the worry they have expressed, just like the listener training says. Do not neutralize the worry or change the subject to something positive—doing that risks associating the idea of attempting suicide with something positive.

After the quiz, the next section looks at assessing and treating suicidality.

• Mark each statement true or false:
• When a member says something that expresses emotion, the best thing to do is to say it back to them without suggesting how they can deal with it.#Reflecting emotions accurately is at the heart of active listening.
• 7 Cups encourages positive emotions and discourages negative emotions.# Listeners should not make judgments about what is positive and what is negative.
• Listeners should not try to solve members’ problems for them.#Listeners provide emotional support. They do not solve problems.
• Active listening is the best way to provide members with good advice.# Active listening provides emotional support, not advice.
• Listeners must allow members to express their real feelings.#Active listening is a way for members to know that their feelings are being heard and understood.
• Listeners must remember to ask members appropriate questions, make wise comments, and suggest effective solutions.# Listeners should not add questions, comments or suggestions when they reflect what members tell them.

Risk assessments and treatments

Professionals and volunteers working in suicide prevention may have access to protocols for assessing risk, together with training in their use. Listeners at 7 Cups do not have this kind of access or training, and cannot carry out risk assessments. In any case, current methods for assessing suicide risk are very unreliable.

There are some recognized factors that are widely believed to either increase or decrease a person’s risk of suicide, even though these risk factors and protective factors have low predictive power. Professionals often miss the signs that someone is about to take their own life, and equally they often over-react to what they falsely imagine are signs. Listeners at 7 Cups should, therefore, never try to make judgements about suicide risk.

SAD PERSONS

A useful way to remember the important risk factors is the mnemonic SAD PERSONS. The letters stand for:

• Sex (more men complete suicide, more women attempt it)
• Age (elderly people are at highest risk)
• Depression and bipolar disorder (each increases lifetime suicide risk 15-fold)
• Previous suicide attempt (strongest risk factor of all)
• Ethanol abuse (up to half of attempters used alcohol just before the attempt)
• Rational thinking loss (this refers to psychosis)
• Social supports lacking
• Organized plan
• No spouse or child (especially for women, having a child decreases suicide risk)
• Sickness (especially when there is chronic pain and functional impairment)

(Adapted from Are We Any Closer to Predicting Suicide?)

Listeners can reduce suicide risk by helping to address some of these risk factors.

Depression and hopelessness

For people who suffer from depression, hopelessness has been identified as one of the most significant factors in suicide risk.

Listeners who hear a member describing feelings of hopelessness should be careful to take these feelings seriously, whether or not the member has mentioned suicide. As always, a listener’s role is to ensure that the member feels heard. It is vital not to dismiss, ignore or contradict a member’s feelings of hopelessness.

Listeners provide emotional support by accurately reflecting members’ feelings, allowing the member to be heard, while avoiding giving advice or trying to solve the member’s problems.

Member:	There’s just no way out for me. I don’t have a future in this world.
Listener:	Like you’re trapped in this situation.
Member:	Trapped. Exactly.

As a listener, that “Exactly” is what you are aiming for—a member who feels understood. Do not contradict members, invalidate their feelings, argue with them, or suggest solutions to what you think their problems are.

Social isolation

Social isolation has been identified as another significant factor in suicide risk.

Listeners can provide essential social connection for people who have become isolated. Long-term support from a listener is particularly valuable, and participation in 7 Cups’ communities is also valuable in this context. When a member speaks of “my listeners” it indicates the kind of strong feeling of connection that can give isolated people the confidence to make real-life social connections.

It’s very important for listeners not to increase vulnerable members’ feelings of isolation by abandoning them. If you have to end a chat, offer to chat another time if at all possible. If you have to refer a member to another listener or to an external resource, stay with the member until contact is made and the referral is complete.

Treatments

There are no treatments specifically for suicide, or for thoughts of suicide.

Treatments do exist for some of the risk factors, and a temporary stay in hospital can sometimes be useful to prevent suicide when someone is in crisis. Most places have laws allowing medical authorities to keep people in hospital without their consent under these circumstances.

Depression, for example, is a major risk factor for suicide. It can be treated by psychotherapy, by medication, and in very severe cases by other methods. However, the available treatments are not 100% effective for everyone. There is evidence that medication for depression can increase the risk of suicide in some circumstances:

…as of 2018, it appears that every single one of the 30 [trials] of antidepressants undertaken in childhood depression, involving over 10,000 children, have been negative on their primary outcome measures, and all appear to show an excess of suicidal events on active treatment…despite the results of these studies, antidepressants now appear to be the most commonly used drugs by teenage girls except for oral contraceptives…

(From The Goetzsche Affair. See also, for example: Antidepressants Save People From Suicide, Right?)

There is also evidence that although a temporary stay in hospital does reduce the risk of suicide for the duration of the stay, it doesn’t eliminate the risk entirely, and it may increase the long-term risk. (See, for example: Risk of Suicide After Hospitalization Even Higher Than Previously Estimated.)

All this makes choosing the best treatment for a particular individual very complicated. It’s a job for a professional. Listeners must never recommend or suggest treatments. However, listeners can ensure that members’ own feelings about choosing and having treatment are heard and understood without judgment.

Members who have previously been admitted to hospital, perhaps without their consent, and who had a bad time there, and members who have experienced adverse reactions to medication, may be extremely hostile to the idea of having these treatments again. Listeners can ensure that members’ feelings about these treatments are heard and understood without judgment.

One survivor puts it like this:

Real safety — for me — is about creating culturally respectful, mutually responsible, trusting, trustworthy relationships. It happens in relationships where we don’t judge or make assumptions about each other. It happens when someone trusts and believes in me even when they’re uncomfortable. It happens when I’m free to share my deepest truth and you take time to reflect on what I’ve said. You make the effort and sincerely try to get to the heart and soul of what I’m attempting to get across to you.

(From: Deadly Serious: Talking Openly About Suicide.)

• Mark each statement true or false:
• Depression is a risk factor for suicide.#It’s the D in the SAD PERSONS mnemonic.
• Hospital treatment might sometimes increase a person’s risk of suicide.#There is some evidence that hospital treatment is associated with worse outcomes.
• Medication for depression might sometimes increase a person’s risk of suicide.#There is some evidence that antidepressant medication is associated with increased risk of suicide.
• Hopelessness is a risk factor for suicide.#It’s one of the most significant factors.
• Carelessness is a risk factor for suicide.# It’s not regarded as a risk factor.
• Members who feel hopeless need to be cheered up and told to look on the bright side.# It’s vital not to dismiss, ignore or contradict a member’s feelings of hopelessness.
• Members who feel socially isolated should avoid online communities like 7 Cups.# 7 Cups can provide essential social connection.
• Mental health professionals can accurately assess suicide risk, but listeners at 7 Cups cannot.# No one can accurately assess suicide risk.
• Listeners who are triggered by a chat about suicide should review the deatils of the chat with their own therapist or counselor, or with some other trusted person.# Listeners must never share the details of any chat.
• Listeners should suggest practical solutions to members’ problems, so that members don’t become hopeless and dwell on thoughts of suicide.# Listeners should not try to solve members’ problems.

External resources

It is sometimes appropriate to provide a member with a link to a resource outside 7 Cups.

The best way for this to happen is if they can search the Internet themselves for a helpline or website that is local to them and specific to their needs. There are thousands of services globally, and no central directory other than Internet search.

Listeners are not required to provide Internet search services to members, no matter what the circumstances are.

Do not provide any external resource link to a member unless they have clearly indicated their need for it. In particular, do not provide a resource link based on something you yourself said to the member earlier in the chat, or something in your imagination.

Members who have known medical conditions often have their own information about local resources they can access. Do not provide international or national resources to members who already have access to more appropriate local services.

Helpline numbers found on the Internet are often out of date or operate restricted hours. This includes helpline numbers found in lists at 7 Cups. Finding a helpline number listed somewhere does not mean the member can get help there.

While a member contacts an external resource, offer to keep the chat open, if possible. Offer to chat again later to provide emotional support (but not to chat about a topic that lies outside your boundaries).

Do not contact external resources yourself on behalf of a member.

Links to external resources

It can be helpful to use a section of your listener profile to provide links to external resources that you personally know are useful and current. Then anyone who needs eternal help in an emergency or a crisis may be able to find it from your profile without even having to start a chat.

Even if you choose not to include this kind of information in your profile, you can keep useful links and phone numbers in your Notes at 7 Cups where you can find them quickly if they are needed. (The link to your notes only works when you are logged in to 7 Cups.)

Emergencies

In an actual emergency, when someone has suffered actual harm or is certainly about to suffer actual harm, strongly encourage the member to call their local emergency services.

An actual emergency means something that typically requires police, fire services or ambulance services to deal with. Thoughts and plans are not an actual emergency—not even when the thoughts are very frightening or the plans are very detailed. In some places it may be illegal to call out emergency services when there is no actual emergency of the kind that requires police, fire services or ambulance services.

In most places the emergency number and the suicide hotline are different. For example, in Redwood City, California, where 7 Cups is based, the emergency number is 9-1-1 and the Crisis Intervention and Suicide Prevention number is 579-0350 (see: Redwood City 24-Hour Emergency Lines.) Do not tell a member to contact their local emergency number when what they need is their local suicide hotline.

Do not call emergency services yourself.

Do not tell the member what number to call, because different places have different numbers, and you cannot know the member’s current location with absolute certainty. The international emergency number is 112, in theory, but there are many places where it doesn’t work on all phones.

Remember that an emergency is a temporary crisis, and after the crisis is over the member will still need emotional support. Offer to chat again when the emergency is over, if at all possible.

Actively suicidal members

When a member is taking action intended to result in suicide, but there is no actual emergency yet, strongly encourage the member to call a local suicide hotline. Then end the chat. 7 Cups does not permit listeners to continue chatting to members who are actively suicidal.

Do not tell the member what number to call, because different places have different numbers, and you cannot know the member’s current location with absolute certainty.

After you have ended the chat there is normally no need to block the member. They may soon be in a position to chat to you again. Remember to make a clear offer to chat again so that the member definitely knows they have not been abandoned by 7 Cups.

Issues with external resources

Be aware that some suicide hotlines do not always provide help by themselves, but instead they refer people to medical services. Some members may have had bad experiences with medical services in the past, making them unwilling to call a suicide hotline. Bad experiences might include forcible restraint, detention in hospital, or forcible administration of drugs. Ensure that member’s previous bad experiences with medical services are heard and understood without judgment.

One critic of the US national Suicide Hotline summarizes her opinion of it like this:

Despite the growing capacity of warm lines and other alternatives, the national suicide hotline is still the most recommended resource out there. Maybe people don’t know how ineffective and damaging it actually is.

(From: Suicide Hotlines, Risk Assessment and Rights: Whose Safety Matters?)

The situation is not all bad. In some places there are alternatives to hotlines known as warmlines, and a few warmlines may be accessible internationally. Warmlines generally help people to avoid bad experiences with medical services. They can be particularly appropriate for members who do not want to call a hotline. Some warmlines guarantee as a matter of policy that they will never call out medical services without consent. For more information, warmline.org is a good starting point.

In some places, too, there are very successful programs for preventing suicide. Many of them are based on pioneering work at the Henry Ford Health System, a non-profit based in Detroit, Michigan. Here’s a 6-minute video advertisement:

In the video, a patient explains:

I am among the living because of the overwhelming, complete, comprehensive care and support that I have received…from the beginning, all the way to today. There’s nothing that compares with the type of help I’ve gotten here.

• Mark each statement true or false:
• Listeners have no way of knowing about local support services and resources available to members.#Members are best placed to know know their own local services and resources.
• Listeners can continue to support members who are trying to contact a local hotline.#Listeners should continue to support members as far as is possible.
• When a member says they have a suicide plan, it’s OK to continue to chat.#Having a plan is not the same as taking action, so there is no need to end the chat.
• Warmlines can help people who have had bad experiences with medical services in the past.#This is one of the reasons warmlines exist.
• Listeners should be careful to correct members whose thoughts do not make sense, because the conversation can quickly turn to suicide.# We understand that people are complicated and that life is not simple or easy.
• Hotlines found in lists at 7 Cups are guaranteed to be available 24×7.# Some hotlines are not 24×7, and some no longer operate at all.
• When a listener has advised a member to get help, the listener should follow this up by searching the Internet and finding appropriate sources of help.# Listeners must not give advice, and should not provide Internet search services for members.
• When a member admits to taking action intended to end their life, the listener must block the member to avoid more of that kind of talk.# The listener must end the chat, but there is normally no need to block the member.
• Members never really rely on listeners for support, because 7 Cups is not real life and only exists on the Internet.# Members often rely on listeners for support.
• The international emergency number, 112, should be used in all countries where 9-1-1 is not used.# Some places have a different emergency number that is not 112 or 911.
• When a listener suspects a member might be thinking of suicide, the listener must immediately inform their local police, who will trace the member and deal with the situation.# Listeners never reveal details of chats to anyone, and police do not deal with thoughts.

The chat censor

Every message in every chat and chatroom, and every forum post, at 7 Cups is monitored by software known as the censor. The censor blocks entire messages and posts that contain certain phrases that could upset some people. These phrases include some that relate to suicide.

In chats and chatrooms, the censor also blocks certain individual words. In this case the words are replaced by asterisks, but the censor does not block the entire message. The blocked words also include some that relate to suicide.

Consequences of censorship

Because of the censor, some members who try to share their thoughts about suicide might find that their messages are blocked. They might feel rejected. They might feel shamed. Although the censor does protect some vulnerable listeners, it is a form of stigma that also makes some difficult chats even more difficult for members.

The listener in the chat is not told when a member’s message has been blocked. This means that when a member trusts you enough to admit to suicidal thoughts, they might suddenly become unresponsive because the censor has blocked one or more of their messages. They might feel shamed and rejected, and they might even abandon the chat.

The censor and confidentialty

Blocked messages are not sent as part of the chat. Instead, they are sent somewhere else for evaluation.

This means that although chats are nominally confidential, blocked messages are not confidential to the same extent. Blocked messages do not become part of the chat, and they can be read by at least one other unknown person. The evaluation takes place in a confidential setting, and blocked messages are not normally shared more widely (although on rare occasions mistakes have been made).

The entire message is blocked and sent for evaluation, not just the trigger phrase. This means that other information in the message is no longer completely confidential.

Listeners who feel able to chat about suicide should perhaps consider warning members about the censor.

Consequences for listeners

There can be consequences for listeners who try to send messages that the censor blocks. The blocked messages are evaluated out of context, because the rest of the chat is unavailable. Messages are sometimes misinterpreted, and listeners can sometimes receive complaints by e-mail as a result.

When the censor blocks your message, keep a copy of the message and report the incident immediately by e-mail, from the address that you use to log in as a listener, to: community@7cups.com  Do not include details of the chat, but do include the blocked message (which did not become part of the chat) and explain why you wanted to send it.

Evading the censor

The complete list of censored phrases is public but its location is not widely known. It is updated from time to time. There is no need for anyone to memorize the list in order to evade the censor, because it is easy to disguise obvious trigger words.

For example, at the time of writing the phrase “kill myself” is censored, so a member cannot say, “Because of my strong faith I would never kill myself.” But the member could say, “Because of my strong faith I would never k*ll myself.”

Other ways of disguising trigger words also work. However, there is no guarantee that any particular method will always work in future, because the censor might be updated to include more disguised phrases.

The current version of the censor is inefficient, and a lot of words and phrases escape its notice. The example chats in this guide have been checked against the censor at the time of writing, but some of them would activate the censor if they were reworded only slightly.

Equally, the censor is sometimes triggered by messages that seem harmless. For example, “I was so happy I was just jumping for joy!” would trigger the censor because “just jump” is banned.

• Mark each statement true or false:
• All chats at 7 Cups are subject to automatic censorship.#Every message in every chat is checked by an automated system.
• Listeners and members can often disguise words in order to avoid the censor.#Disguised words are very likely to avoid censorship.
• Messages containing censored phrases may be seen by other people.#The messages are evaluated by other people.
• Phrases relating to suicide are sometimes censored.#Suicide is one of the topics that the censor blocks.
• When a member’s message is blocked by the censor, the listener is not informed.#The listener has no way of knowing what happened, unless the member tells them.
• Members cannot chat about thoughts of suicide at 7 Cups, because the censor prevents it.# Members can chat about thoughts of suicide even though some messages may be blocked.
• Members cannot chat at 7 Cups when they are taking action to end their lives, because the censor will block their messages.# Members cannot chat at 7 Cups when they are taking action to end their lives because 7 Cups does not allow it, and listeners know this.
• Appropriate medical treatment can prevent suicide.# There is no treatment for suicide.
• Harmless messages will never be censored at 7 Cups.# The censor does sometimes block harmless messages.
• Thoughts of suicide are effectively treated by a stay in hospital, where professionals can accurately assess the risks.# No one can accurately assess a person’s risk of suicide, and hospitals do not provide very effective treatment.
• When a member is worried about suicide, a listener must try to neutralize the worry and encourage positive thinking.# Listeners must not try to suppress negative emotions.
• Planning for suicide is effectively the same as taking action, therefore emergency services must be called without delay.# Plans are effectively the same as thoughts, therefore emergency services are not appropriate.

Do’s, dont’s and issues

Here is a checklist of eight things to do and eight things not to do:

Do’s

• Do care for yourself first.
• Do establish your boundaries in advance.
• Do refer a member to another listener immediately you need to.
• Do reflect members’ feelings accurately.
• Do have absolute respect for members’ own judgment about their situation.
• Do distinguish accurately between thoughts (including plans) and actions.
• Do provide links to external resources when members agree they want them.
• Do immediately refer any chat about actual harm in the present, and end the chat.

Dont’s

• Don’t give advice, or anything that could be mistaken for advice.
• Don’t refer members without their consent.
• Don’t abandon members, not even when referring them to someone else.
• Don’t share details of any chat with anyone for any reason.
• Don’t sneak anything from your own imagination into a member’s chat.
• Don’t diagnose medical disorders, or challenge existing diagnoses.
• Don’t imagine you can assess a member’s risk of suicide.
• Don’t imagine you can always distinguish facts from fantasies.

Issues

This guide attempts to give clear and consistent guidance about matters that are not always clearly or consistently explained elsewhere at 7 Cups.

Other guidance and advice to listeners may sometimes conflict with this guide, and with each other. In particular, the following issues are not universally agreed:

• Suicide: Some listeners deny emotional support to members who have thoughts about suicide, even when they are just thoughts and not actions.
• Advice: Some listeners give advice on matters they feel they have expert knowledge about, perhaps disguising their advice as suggestions, options or explanations.
• Problem solving: Some listeners try to solve members’ problems even though the listener training says not to.
• Active harm: Some listeners confuse thoughts or plans involving harm with active harm, and they might at times encourage other listeners to share the same confusion.
• Negative judgments: Some listeners make negative judgments about members, or deny them emotional support, when members mention things that upset the listener.
• Positive judgments: Some listeners make positive judgments about members, even when they might be causing harm to themselves or others (giving a “green light” to harm).
• External referrals: Some listeners refer members to external resources or services (for example, to emergency services) based on the listener’s personal judgment or diagnosis.

That’s the end of Part I of this guide. After the quiz, there is an introduction to Part II.

• Mark each statement true or false:
• Listeners should learn to have confidence in their ability to distinguish facts from fantasies.# Listeners almost never have enough information to be able to distinguish facts from fantasies.
• Listeners should establish their boundaries in advance, as far as possible.#Establishing boundaries in advance helps listeners to respond quickly when a boundary is crossed.
• Listeners should learn how to diagnose common medical disorders, because members from around the world may not always have access to healthcare.# Listeners should not try to diagnose.
• Listeners should reflect members’ feelings accurately, because members need to feel heard.#The purpose of active listening is allowing members to feel heard.
• Listeners should distinguish accurately between thoughts and actions.#Confusing thoughts with actions can be misleading, especially when they are thoughts about harm.
• Listeners should always give clear advice to members who talk about harm to themselves or other people.# Listeners should not give advice.
• Listeners should always interpret members’ feelings in a positive way so that members avoid thinking about harm.# Listeners should reflect members’ feelings accurately, without judging whether they are positive or negative.

Part II

This part of the guide contains examples that some listeners may find triggering. To skip to the end of the guide, where there are some links to further reading, click here: Skip to Conclusion

The next section discusses the reasons why people say they are suicidal.

Talking about suicide

Why do people say they are suicidal? It’s sometimes because they are thinking of killing themselves, but only sometimes.

Here’s a selection of possible reasons. This diagram was developed by an experienced peer support group:

(Adapted from: Suicide Reasons and Meanings by the Western Massachusetts Recovery Learning Community.)

Notice that only one of the reasons is, “I am thinking of killing myself.” People say they are suicidal for many reasons that do not involve killing themselves.

This means listeners should not over-react when members say they are suicidal. Instead, it is better to find out where the conversation leads. It very often leads to underlying issues and feelings.

Listeners whose personal boundaries mean they cannot chat about suicide should not allow the word suicide to become a panic button that makes them run away the moment it is mentioned. Many of the members who mention the word suicide really want to chat about something else.

Stigma

Over-reacting to the word suicide is a form of stigma leading to rejection of people who have a real need for emotional support. A position statement from the non-profit Suicide Prevention Australia explains:

The continuing stigma ingrained in social and cultural attitudes towards suicide is the manifestation of persistent misunderstandings about the causes of suicide. Suicide is often misconstrued as a ‘personal weakness’ or a ‘selfish’ or ‘cowardly’ act. An alternative and equally incorrect view is that suicide is not preventable and that those who die by or attempt suicide are beyond help due to a mental illness or life crisis. These views translate into negative attitudes that stereotype people who attempt or die by suicide as inherently different to others.

(From Overcoming the Stigma of Suicide.)

At 7 Cups listeners should avoid stigmatizing people who use the word suicide when describing how they feel. 7 Cups exists to provide emotional support, not to judge people for the way they express their most difficult feelings.

Example chat

In this fictitious example, a member chooses ‘relationship support’ as their reason for starting a chat. This excerpt is from the middle of the chat:

Member:	She doesn’t even know I’m talking to you right now, and I can’t let her find out.
Listener:	If she found out it would be bad.
Member:	Yes, it would be bad. It’s hard to know exactly how bad. I could be shouted at or locked up for a day or two, or maybe beaten.
Listener:	You’re in physical danger just because you’re chatting to me.
Member:	Oh yes, absolutely.
	Any contact with people she has not approved.
Listener:	How do you cope?
Member:	I don’t cope. I’m suicidal most of the time.
Listener:	Are you suicidal right now? Wanting to die?
Member:	Not really right now, no. It’s always there in the background, though, that option.
Listener:	Death would be a way out for you, and you’re always aware that you could take that route.
Member:	Exactly, it would be a way out. Or it could be, one day. I don’t know the way out. Maybe there is no way out for me.
Listener:	You’re thinking it’s possible you are trapped in this situation.
Member:	Yes, it’s possible. I could also run away. I’ve thought about that a lot too.
Listener:	You’ve thought maybe running away could be the solution.
Member:	It’s not really, though. It would be very difficult. For one thing, I can’t save much money without her knowing.
Listener:	She makes it difficult for you to save enough to get away.
Member:	She makes it impossible, and I’d have to go far so she couldn’t come after me.
Listener:	Would she do that? Come after you?
Member:	Oh yes, she’d be driven by fury and pay others to help her.
Listener:	Her fury would make it very risky for you.
Member:	Everything is very risky for me.

In this chat the listener accurately reflects what the member says, shows they care about the member’s situation, and avoids giving advice or trying to come up with solutions to the member’s problems.

When suicide is mentioned, the listener doesn’t treat it as a panic button, but instead checks whether the member is literally thinking about suicide right now. It’s possible that this listener would refer the chat to another listener if the member really wanted to discuss suicide, but this member wants to continue to chat about the underlying situation.

Note that the listener does not mention suicide first, but as soon as the member mentions it, the listener follows up by asking about it. The listener is not afraid of using words like “die” and “death”.

There is no suggestion at all that this member is taking any action intended to harm themselves or anyone else. This is just a normal chat in which thoughts of suicide happen to be mentioned in passing.

• Mark each statement true or false:
• Sometimes people talk about suicide because they are angry.#That’s one of the many reasons.
• Sometimes people talk about suicide because otherwise no one listens to them.#That’s one of the many reasons.
• Stigma sometimes makes people over-react when suicide is mentioned.#Even some listeners over-react.
• Listeners should reflect members’ feelings accuratey, even when those feelings are distressing.#Accurate reflection is at the heart of active listening.
• When a member is doing something that puts their life at immediate risk, they cannot chat to any listener at 7 Cups.#7 Cups does not support members who are actively causing harm to themselves or others.
• Listeners must not give advice about imaginary problems.#Listeners must not give advice at all.
• Members can share their thoughts about suicide with listeners at 7 Cups.#Members can share any thoughts at 7 Cups.
• Listeners should assess a member’s risk of suicide if the member mentions being depressed.# Listeners do not carry out risk assessments.
• Members must never talk about dying, because it is one of the subjects that 7 Cups censors.# Members can talk about dying, even though 7 Cups does censor some phrases.
• Members must be careful not to mention suicide, because it might upset some listeners.# Members can mention suicide. If a listener is upset by it, the member can chat to another listener instead.
• Emergency services are needed to provide treatment to anyone who has been making plans to take their own life.# Emergency services cannot provide treatment for any kind of plans.
• Socially isolated people tend to be self-sufficient, and they rarely try to end their own lives.# Social isolation is a risk factor for suicide—one that 7 Cups can help to prevent.

Thinking about suicide

What does it mean when people really do think of killing themselves? Again, here’s a selection of possible meanings (from the same source as the previous diagram):

Notice that simply wanting to die does not appear anywhere in the diagram. There’s always an underlying reason that has nothing to do with death.

Again this means listeners should not over-react when members say they are thinking of killing themselves. Instead, it is better to find out where the conversation leads. It very often leads to underlying issues and feelings.

Harmless plans and actions

The same logic applies to plans. For example, a member might say, “I have been planning to kill myself ever since my father passed away, and I know exactly how I’m going to do it.” But a lot of people make plans and then change their plans. Making plans is no different from having thoughts. Even detailed plans are no different from detailed thoughts. A listener should understand that a chat about suicide plans is not a chat about actual suicide. The chat will become a chat about the member’s underlying emotions, and then a listener can provide emotional support.

The logic also applies to actions that are harmless in themselves. For example, a member might say, “I am thinking of killing myself and I have pills.” But a lot of people have pills, and having pills is not in itself harmful. This member is really saying, “Please, please take me seriously.” A listener should take the member seriously and continue the chat to find out what the real issue is, and to provide emotional support.

Example chat

In this fictitious example, a member chooses ‘depression’ as their reason for starting a chat. This excerpt is from the middle of the chat:

Member:	It’s not like I really matter, is it? I mean, no one cares.
Listener:	No one in your life cares about you?
Member:	No one at all cares about me! They only care that I fit in and don’t make trouble for them.
Listener:	All they want from you is to avoid any trouble.
Member:	There will be plenty of trouble when I’m gone. You can be sure of that.
Listener:	You’re planning to leave, and it will cause trouble when you do.
Member:	Not to leave. There’s nowhere for me. I know where to get a rope, and I know what to do with it.
Listener:	So hanging yourself is the plan.
Member:	Death is the only meaningful act. No one will be able to ignore that or change the subject.
Listener:	Like a statement that no one can distract from.
Member:	It will soon be forgotten. I fully realize that. The world moves on and I don’t really matter beyond the moment in which I define myself.
Listener:	This will become a final definition of who you are.
Member:	The only definition.
	Long pause
Member:	The moment will have to be right.
Listener:	You’ve been waiting for the right moment.
Member:	I’ve been waiting for this fog to clear.
Listener:	Fog?
Member:	Like a heaviness. Like sadness. It holds you down.
Listener:	A sad and heavy feeling holds you down. Sorrow, maybe?
Member:	I don’t know.
	Long pause
Member:	There’s sometimes a feeling like I could cry, but that would be absurd.

In this chat the listener accurately reflects what the member says, shows they are trying to understand the member’s situation, and avoids giving advice or trying to come up with solutions to the member’s problems.

When suicide is mentioned, it’s in the form of a dark hint about a rope. The listener takes the hint and restates it explicitly: “So hanging yourself is the plan.” This is giving the member permission to discuss suicide, and the member responds by saying what they feel about death. But after that the conversation never returns to suicide.

This chat is in three parts. In the first part the focus is on other people in the member’s life.

The second part is like the member testing the listener, to find out whether the listener can be trusted with talk of suicide.

When the listener passes the test, the member changes the subject and talks about the way they really feel.

In a chat like this a method of suicide is mentioned very explicitly, yet it never becomes the overall subject of the chat. It’s more like a bridge that leads to a real opportunity for the listener to provide emotional support.

• Mark each statement true or false:
• People sometimes think of killing themselves when they feel rejected.#That’s one of the many reasons.
• People sometimes think of killing themselves when they feel shame.#That’s one of the many reasons.
• People sometimes think of killing themselves when they feel their pain is unbearable.#That’s one of the many reasons.
• Warmlines can be helpful for people who have had bad experiences with hotlines.#That’s why warmlines exist.
• Listeners can choose not to discuss suicide with any member.#Listeners should decide their own personal boundaries, and if they choose not to discuss suicide, they can refer members to other listeners.
• Lists of helplines on the Internet are not always accurate.#Lists can easily get out of date, and they are not always maintained carefully.
• Any national suicide helpline can carry out an accurate risk assessment.# No risk assessmenbt is entirely accurate.
• People sometimes want to die for no reason.# There is always a reason.
• Once someone has a made a definite suicide plan, only hospital treatment can save them.# A plan is just thoughts. No one needs to be saved from a plan.
• When someone has persistent thoughts of suicide, antidepressant medication will be effective in preventing the thoughts.# Depression is only one risk factor for suicide, and antidepressant medication is not always effective—it can sometimes increase the risk.
• When someone admits to having pills, police should always be called immediately.# Having pills is not harmful, and not a matter for police.
• Listeners who have personally found medication helpful should recommend the medication to members, because in this way they can help members to get effective treatment.# Listeners shouold not try to solve members’ problems.
• When a member feels suicide is the answer to their problems, a listener should contradict them strongly, explaining why the feeling is wrong.# Listeners should accept and understand members’ feelings without contradicting them or saying anything that could sound like advice.
• Members who become long-term sponsees never feel suicidal, because they feel supported by 7 Cups.# Anyone can feel suicdal at times.

Trolls, controls and fantasies

Some members tell listeners things that are not true. They may do this for a variety of reasons. Some of them can be loosely categorized as follows.

Trolls

Trolls are people who enjoy making other people upset. Sometimes, when a member talks about suicide, it’s because the member is a troll trying to make listeners upset. There is never any way to be completely sure of this.

As a listener, your best defense against trolls is not to get upset. There is a saying, “Do not feed the trolls”, which means do not reward trolls by giving them what they want. If there is no reward for them at 7 Cups, they will eventually go away and troll somewhere else.

Member:	Only you can save me. You’ll have to get an air ambulance to me before I lose consciousness.
Listener:	I’m only a listener. I can’t get an air ambulance to you. If you need an ambulance, you’ll have to call your local emergency number.
Member:	No! Only you can save me. You must act now, before
	Long pause
Member:	before I
	Long pause
Listener:	Are you still there?
	This user is unavailable to chat with you, please select another.
	(Conversation blocked)

Controls

People who are controlling generally feel anxiety unless they can control other people. They sometimes talk of suicide in order to get an emotional response from a listener, so they can feel in control of the listener. People who are controlling make demands or try to do deals, very often making a big fuss over trivial things.

As a listener, your best defense against members who are controlling is to be sure of your personal boundaries in advance, and to stick to them no matter what. In particular, do not respond to emotional blackmail involving suicide.

Member:	I need to know your real name. I can’t trust you unless I know who you really are.
Listener:	I’m sorry, I never use my real name at 7 Cups.
Member:	How will you feel when I take my own life because I’m not able to trust you? It’s your job to make me trust you.
Listener:	I’m just a listener here. If you’re upset about something, you can chat to me about it.
Member:	I’m upset about your attitude, to be honest. It’s only your real name I need. Is that really too much to ask?

Fantasies

Some members tell listeners stories that are partly or entirely fantasy. There might not be any way to be sure of this.

Some people might do it as a way of testing 7 Cups to find out if it’s a safe place to tell their real story. Some people might do it because they have a psychotic illness and the fantasy seems real to them. Or they might do it for other reasons that they might not even know themselves.

As a listener, there is really no defense against being told fantasies. You can only accept what you’re told, even if it seems unlikely:

Member:	My father is about to go to work, so I’ll probably make a suicide attempt soon.
Listener:	You feel your death is necessary?
Member:	Just an attempt! I don’t intend to die.
Listener:	You’ll just pretend.
Member:	Yes, just to make sure he’s thinking of me.
Listener:	You want to be sure your father is thinking of you.
Member:	He would forget about me otherwise. Is it a bad thing to do to him?
Listener:	Well, how do you think he will feel about it?
Member:	He never said anything the other times.

Example chat

In this fictitious example, a member chooses ‘college life’ as their reason for starting a chat. This excerpt is from the middle of the chat:

Member:	Is this chat confidential?
Listener:	Yes.
Member:	How can I be sure?
Listener:	I can personally guarantee that I never share details of any chat.
Member:	It’s just that I’ve never told anyone what I’m about to tell you.
Listener:	OK. You can tell me anything.
Member:	I think my counselor abuses her clients. She touched me.
	OMG this isn’t confidential is it?
Listener:	Yes, it is confidential. She touched you?
Member:	Yes, it was only briefly, but I knew exactly what it meant.
Listener:	You sensed what she meant by it.
Member:	Afterwards I wanted to die. I have enough pills to do it.
Listener:	Do you still want that?
Member:	Yes. Will you report me?
Listener:	I can’t report anyone. I’m only a listener.
Member:	OK, but do you think I should risk going back to the counselor? Or should I use the pills?
Listener:	It’s like going back to her seems risky to you now.
Member:	Yes. What do you think?
Listener:	Ah, you want my reassurance.
Member:	I need to know what will happen if I go back. Tell me what will happen.
Listener:	It seems like she touched you but you weren’t harmed.
Member:	I could have been harmed! I became suicidal!
Listener:	And it has made you frightened to go back.
Member:	Look, I need you to tell me it’s safe to go to my counselor tomorrow.
Listener:	It’s like you need me to be able to see into the future.
Member:	That’s unfair! I have a bunch of pills here.
Listener:	True, but I’ve never even met your counselor. What’s your gut feeling about seeing her tomorrow?
Member:	Umm…my gut feeling is it will be OK. Probably.
Listener:	You still have a sense of risk, but mostly you feel it will be OK.
Member:	Yes.

In this chat the listener personally guarantees confidentiality. 7 Cups’ terms of service do not really guarantee confidentiality, but the tradition within the 7 Cups community is to regard chats as confidential, and the member accepts the listener’s word.

It’s possible there’s an element of fantasy in this member’s story, but there is no way to be sure. There is certainly anxiety. The listener accepts that the story is true and supports the member’s feelings without giving advice or trying to solve the problem.

The members mentions suicide and pills several times but the listener does not panic. Suicide is never the real focus of the chat. It’s more that the member wants to use the threat of suicide to control the listener, trying to make the listener give advice. The listener doesn’t fall for this, and instead reflects the member’s feelings.

Eventually this works and the member comes to their own conclusion about seeing the counselor, without the listener making the decision for them.

• Mark each statement true or false:
• Trolls are people who enjoy making other people upset.#Making other people upset is always their intention.
• Some members try to control listeners, because feeling in control helps their anxiety.#Anxiety makes some people act in a controlling way.
• Personal boundaries are a defense against members who are controlling.#Listeners can avoid being controlled by assertively maintaining their personal boundaries.
• Sometimes members say things that are not true.#Things members say might sometimes be fantasies, delusions, or deliberate falsehoods.
• Sometimes people who are being bullied think of suicide as a way out.#Bullying is one of the many reasons people sometimes think of suicide.
• Sometimes people say they are suicidal when they are not.#The are many possible reasons people do this.
• People who say they are suicidal are never really suicidal.# Sometimes they really are.
• People who refuse to call a suicide hotline cannot really be suicidal.# Sometimes they really are suicidal, but they have had a bad experience with a hotline in the past.
• People who try to control listeners will soon give up if the listener obeys them.# Maintaining personal boundaries is the best defense.
• Listeners should often make positive judgments about members, but never make negative judgments.# Listeners should not make any kind of judgments about members.
• When a listener accepts a personal request to chat, the listener cannot end the chat.# The listener can refer the chat to another listener if necessary, or end the chat if necessary.
• Active listening means allowing positive feelings to be heard while ignoring negative feelings, so that members’ feelings become more positive overall.# Active listening means allowing all feelings to be heard without judgment.

Harmful actions

Being actively suicidal means taking action in a way that is in itself likely to be fatal, or intended to put the member’s life at risk. Listeners cannot continue to chat with a member who is actively suicidal.

However, a listener must not reject a member because of the listener’s own imagination. An action is not likely to be fatal or risky to life if the listener only imagines it. A listener can only treat an action as likely to be fatal or risky to life if the member describes the action themselves. Listeners must never suggest harmful or risky actions to members. Listeners must never ask leading questions prompted by the listener’s own imagination.

Listeners who feel that a member is actively suicidal should check carefully by asking themselves these two questions:

Is the member’s action likely to be fatal in itself, regardless of the intention?

And:

Is the member’s action intended to put their life at risk?

If either one of the answers is yes, and it’s not just the listener’s imagination, then the chat cannot continue. However, a listener should, if possible, offer to chat another time when the member’s need for harmful or risky action is over.

Here are some examples:

	Likely	Suicide
Action	Fatal	Intention
Hoarding pills for the purpose of suicide.	NO	YES
Simply knowing where a rope is kept.	NO	NO
Making many small cuts on both arms.	NO	NO
Swallowing two sleeping tablets, hoping to sleep well.	NO	NO
Swallowing 200 sleeping tablets, hoping never to wake.	YES	YES
Cutting an artery.	YES	YES
Driving very fast because it’s fun.	YES	NO
Driving very fast hoping to crash and die.	YES	YES

It can be OK to clarify how harmful a member’s actions are by asking straight out:

Listener:

Is doing that likely to be fatal?

And it can be OK to clarify the member’s intentions by asking a question like:

Listener:

Do you intend to die by doing this?

Listeners must accept the member’s judgment, because only the member knows the situation for real. The listener can imagine the situation, but a listener must not make judgments based on their own imagination.

For example, a member might be doing something in order to frighten family members in the hope of being taken seriously, knowing that whatever they are doing is not causing them any significant harm, and without any intention to die. But the only way for a listener to find that out may be to ask.

Specialist help

If a member says they are taking action right now in the present that is in itself likely to be fatal, or intended to put the member’s life at risk, then the listener must insist that the member gets specialist help. The chat cannot continue, except to support the member in getting help.

If the member will not get specialist help after this is explained to them, the listener must end the chat. Members who force listeners to end chats in this way are very likely to be trolls, seeking to control the listener, or acting out a fantasy, but it is never possible to be certain.

When there is a real life emeergency of the kind that requires police, fire, ambulance, or similar services, then the member must call their local emergency number. Listeners must not tell member what number to call, because only the member knows for sure where they are and what the correct number is. Listeners must not call emergency services on behalf of members.

When there is a personal crisis, but no real life emergency, then the member should contact a local crisis service. This could be a suicide hotline or warmline. Many members in this situation have been in crisis before and they know their local services. If they cannot find a local crisis service, then a national crisis service in their country will do, or even an international crisis service.

Example chat

In this fictitious example, a member chooses ‘loneliness’ as their reason for starting a chat. This excerpt begins towards the end of the chat:

Member:	Can you tell me any reason why I should go on living?
Listener:	You don’t want to go on living?
Member:	You tell me. What does it sound like?
Listener:	It sounds like you can’t think of a reason to go on.
Member:	It doesn’t frighten me, you know.
Listener:	What doesn’t frighten you?
Member:	The pain, the blood, none of it frightens me any more.
Listener:	Is there pain and blood right now?
Member:	Of course there’s fucking pain and blood. There’s always pain and blood.
Listener:	It sounds like you need an ambulance if there’s pain and blood.
Member:	And get locked up again? No thanks.
Listener:	Were you locked up before?
Member:	Many times.
Listener:	Do you need medical help right now?
Member:	Nothing they can do. I’m just going to let it be the end this time.
Listener:	You’re going to let it end in death this time.
Member:	Yeah. End in death.
Listener:	We can’t continue to chat if you’re going to do that. I’m not allowed.
Member:	Can I chat to someone else?
Listener:	Not here at 7 Cups, until you get medical help. There are helplines you can chat to.
Member:	None of them are any use. Either they tell you stupid things or they try to get you locked up.
Listener:	You can chat to me again when the crisis is over and you no longer intend to die.
Member:	You don’t understand. I always intend to die. Can we chat tomorrow?
Listener:	We can chat tomorrow if you get help and the crisis is over, yes.
Member:	OK, I’ll message you tomorrow then. Take care.
Listener:	You take care too.

In this chat the member claims to be about to die, and refuses to get specialist help for fear of being locked up. But when the listener correctly says they cannot continue the chat, the crisis seems to evaporate, and the member seems to be looking forward to chatting again tomorrow.

It’s not entirely possible to understand this member’s situation. Maybe there are elements of fantasy or delusion, but a listener cannot judge these things, and can only take what the member says at face value.

• Mark each statement true or false:
• Listeners cannot continue to chat with a member who is actively suicidal.#7 Cups does not allow listeners to chat to members who are taking action to end their lives.
• Listeners must not call emergency services on behalf of members.#Listeners must not share details of any chat, not even with emergency services.
• Listeners must accept members’ own judgment on how harmful their actions are.#Listeners have no information or expertise that would enable them to make independent judgments about members.
• Listeners must not imagine things that could make them deny emotional support to a member.#Listeners should not allow their imagination to affect chats with members.
• In an emergency, a member must get help themselves, not rely on a listener to get help.#Listeners cannot get emergency help for members.
• Sometimes a member who feels anxious might try to control listeners because it feels reassuring to be in command.#Anxiety is one of the reasons people can be controlling.
• In an emotional crisis, it is always helpful for a member to call their local police, who can prevent possible suicide.# An emotional crisis is not a police matter.
• Suicide plans are likely to be fatal eventually.# Plans are just thoughts, and they are not harmful in themselves.
• Listeners must never ask members questions about their intentions, because of the risk of suicide.# Listeners can clarify member’s intentions by asking about them directly.
• Listeners must never mention the possibility of death, because 7 Cups censors all messages about it.# Listeners can mention death if it relates to something a member has already said, even though the chat censor does block certain phrases.
• Listeners can make very risky suggestions to members in order to shock them into seeing sense.# Listeners must not make suggestions.
• At 7 Cups our goal is to provide effective problem-solving when members feel overwhelmed by life.# Our goal is emotional support, not problem-solving.

Conclusion

You have now completed the guide.

To review the guide, use the links across the top of each page. You do not have to answer the quizzes again.

To reset the guide and answer the quizzes again, click here: Reset

References

Here are some links to further reading. Most of these links appear in the guide and are repeated here for convenience.

• 7 Cups: Our Key Values (archived version)
• 7 Cups: Our Mission
• 7 Cups: Active Listening guide
• Harm: guide for listeners
• Are We Any Closer to Predicting Suicide?
• Antidepressants Save People From Suicide, Right?
• The Goetzsche Affair (medications)
• Risk of Suicide After Hospitalization Even Higher Than Previously Estimated
• Deadly Serious: Talking Openly About Suicide
• Redwood City 24-Hour Emergency Lines
• warmline.org
• Zero Suicides from Depression (video)
• Suicide Reasons and Meanings diagrams
• Western Massachusetts Recovery Learning Community
• Overcoming the Stigma of Suicide

Discussion and feedback

To discuss issues raised by this guide, please start a forum thread or contribute to this existing thread.

To provide feedback to the author, please message @RarelyCharlie.

Hat-tip to @jennysunrise8 for providing inspiration for this guide and for reviewing the first draft.